


SNAFU: Just Another Of Jeremy's Over-Reactions

by rosied



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Gen, Halloween Challenge, Prompt: Birdsong, Prompt: Fireworks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 22:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5068006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosied/pseuds/rosied
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeremy is very enthusiastic about his plan for dealing with Richard's bird problem. Richard and James have their doubts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	SNAFU: Just Another Of Jeremy's Over-Reactions

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Top Gear Slash Halloween Week Challenge. Prompts: Fireworks and Birdsong.

Richard and Jeremy were round at James' house one evening, drinking a few beers, eating curry and bickering with each other, as was their usual habit. It didn't take long for Jeremy and James to start having a go at Richard's grooming habits.

“You economising on the make-up you're using, Hamster? I can see the bags under your eyes!” Jeremy started.

“I do not use make...”

“You're right, Jez - and it makes his teeth look even whiter!”

“I HAVE NOT HAD MY TEETH WHITENED!!!”

Jeremy and James sniggered. It was so easy to wind Richard up about his appearance.

James took a closer look at Richard. “Jeremy's right, you know - you are looking a bit peaky. Are you OK?”

“Yes, I'm fine - just not sleeping too well at the moment. My neighbour just cut a bunch of trees down in his garden, and all the birds that used to sing the dawn chorus in them have moved into some trees in mine. Along with the ones that were already there, they've been making such a racket that I've been waking up early.”

“Oh come on, you pansy,” snorted Jeremy, “a few birds singing outside your window are waking you up?”

“And you do so need your beauty sleep,” added James, with a wicked grin.

Richard waved two fingers in his direction, and said, “It's more than just a few of them - there are a lot more of them in the country than you townies are used to.”

“Well, if you will live in the country, you only have yourself to blame,” Jeremy pointed out. His face suddenly brightened. “Hey, I can sort them for you!” he said with enthusiasm. “I'll shoot them!”

“You will not!!” James and Richard yelled simultaneously.

“Not with a gun, you idiots! You'll see - it's a brilliant idea!

James looked very doubtful. “But is it a **good** idea? Your 'brilliant' ideas rarely are.”

“Of course it is - nothing could possibly go wrong! I just need to get a few things and I'll be at your mansion bright and early tomorrow morning. See you then!”

After he left, James and Richard looked at each other.

“How rubbish do you think this is going to be?” asked James.

“Very rubbish - and probably hazardous to everyone else in the vicinity. I'll be strongly suggesting to Mindy that she and the girls go to the opposite side of the house tomorrow when the orang-utan arrives.”

James chuckled. “For this I'll get up early too! I suggest we both get an early night, and I'll see you tomorrow.”

“Good idea - 'night, mate!” Richard headed for the door.

\-------

Surprisingly, both Jeremy and James arrived the next morning a bit before daybreak; the fact that James had hitched a ride with Jeremy had ensured that he didn't get lost on the way.

“So how are you planning on shutting the birds up, then?” Richard asked, a look of skepticism on his face.

Jeremy fetched a big parcel wrapped in brown paper from the boot of the car, unwrapped it, and showed the other two its contents.

“Fireworks,” said James.

“Rockets,” said Richard.

“BIG rockets!” said Jeremy, rubbing his hands together with glee. He emptied the box onto the ground. “Now, where do these birds do their singing?”

Richard pointed towards a small copse of trees at the end of the garden, about 10 feet behind a garden shed. “Little bastards'll be starting up any minute.”

“Great! Let's get set up!” Jeremy looked at the trees. “I reckon a spread of half-a-dozen or so ought to do the trick. Have you got a big plant pot, Hamster?”

Richard went to get one.

Meanwhile, James had picked up the box the rockets had come in and was reading the instructions. “Jeremy, it says here that the maximum range of these rockets is a hundred feet. I'm sure we're further than that here - shouldn't you move a bit closer to the trees?”

“No, they always err on the side of caution with these things - Health and fucking Safety requirements. Any closer and we risk the rockets going through the shed and then we'd have a Hamster-sized tantrum on our hands! Here is perfect. I can get just the right angle of elevation.”

James looked like he wanted to argue the point further, but just then Richard arrived with the plant pot.

“That's great, Rich!” Jeremy put the plant pot on the ground, picked up all the rockets and put them in it.

“You said half-a-dozen, Jeremy. That's a lot more than half-a-dozen!”

Jeremy rolled his eyes. “Why are you always such a pedant, James? I said **about** half-a-dozen. You can never have too many rockets!”

James shook his head and looked worried. He went to stand well behind all the blue touchpaper. After a moment, Richard joined him. 

Jeremy looked like a happy little boy as he lit the rocket fuses with his cigarette lighter, practically dancing as they flew into the air almost simultaneously. “See! I told you!” he crowed as the rockets ascended. Then as they began to fall again, his face fell with them. “That's too soon.... oops!” The rockets had landed on the roof of the shed.

“Told you so,” said James smugly.

“You stupid wanker, you've set the shed on fire!” Richard was running for the garden hose as he spoke.

“You really have it in for sheds, don't you, Clarkson?" James observed. “How many of mine did you set on fire that time we were landscaping... no, I mean wrecking... Sir Steve Redgrave's garden?”

“It's only a **little** bit on fire,” said Jeremy, sulkily, watching as Richard sprayed water onto the shed roof. The flames were dying down quickly.

Once the flames were doused, Richard watched the shed for a while to make absolutely sure the fire was out. The he turned to face the other two, looking speculatively between the hose and Jeremy.

Jeremy raised his arms protectively. “No, no, don't do that - I didn't mean to set the shed on fire! And listen - the birds have stopped singing!”

James was backing away to a safe distance.

Richard turned the hose off and marched over to Jeremy. “You.Are.Replacing.That.Roof!” He punctuated each word by poking Jeremy in the chest with his finger.

“Are you sure that's wise?” ventured James.

“NO!!! I mean he's paying for the builder to replace it!”

“Oh, come on! I can put a shed roof on! I mean, how hard can it be?”

Richard and James looked at Jeremy, then at each other, then burst out laughing.

“Come on, you great oaf, let's go and have breakfast! You too, James.”

“Great! All this exercise has made me hungry.” Jeremy started towards the house.

Richard indicated silently to James that he should stay back. As soon as Jeremy was far enough ahead of them, Richard turned the hose on.

 


End file.
